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| I was feeling pretty pathetic the past weekend.
And I wasn't just
feeling pathetic. I was Pathos itself, dressed in black, with a white
mask for a face and swirling, moody violins in the background.
Darn you, Pre-menstrual syndrome. Darn you.
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| Brother Rafael totally bombarded me with questions about my education last night and all of today.
I spent so much time answering him, that I forgot to focus on myself for a bit.
fem;kdslfd;feokas.
Moving during senior year is pretty much the hardest obstacle I've had to overcome, so it's no wonder Rafael is freaking out.
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| I've been feeling a bit off lately.
The stress of having to attend a new school with teachers I'm not used to and with people I'm not particularly fitting in with is getting to me. Senior year should be fun and relaxing for the most part, but I just don't see where that fits in.
Most of the time, I'm studying and doing homework. I don't have time to clean my room, which my mom constantly nags me about. Laundry, clean AND dirty, are piling all over my floor. I don't have time to talk to friends on the phone, in person, or whenever I want (except on the internet, which isn't very often anymore) because I'm busy with studying and homework.
I feel lonely and helpless. Lonely, because I don't know anyone at school besides my sister and because there's just no time to chill with the very FEW buddies I have at the Dallas locale, which is TWO, by the way...
I've lived in Dallas for technically, more than four years now, minus the whole Houston experience, and I still have a total of two close friends...
I don't know...it's just hard for me to feel like I'm fitting in with the other Binhi. They're just...at an unattainable level...even though they're jsut a year or even two younger than me, everything is so awkward around them. They don't understand me, my nature....I don't know what it is that makes me feel like we're magnets that repel...
And I'm still failing Calc. I don't even need that darn class to graduate.
Calculus is full of dumb imaginary numbers and things I am incapable of understanding...
( I should have considered my extreme dislike of all things math and should not have put down AP Calc BC on my schedule. STUPID, silly me.)
I need to sleep this off.
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| Today was PROGRESS REPORT DAY!
It's been three weeks.
2 out of my 4 PR's contain failing grades that I have never ever seen on any of my papers before.
AP CHEM- 60.
AP CALCULUS BC- 50.
I'm a bad AP test taker, that's for sure because I get
the stuff they're teaching me...and then the tests come, Nikki gets mad
bouts of ANXIETY, forgets almost EVERYTHING and freaks out for the
ENTIRE class hour.
This makes me so depressed.
I need MADD Study Skills this year, or I shall spontaneously combust.
I might evendrop those two AP classes.
_____________________________________________________________________________________
The Kadiwa Binhi Formal is coming up.
You know what that means?
Getting all dolled up and taking a bunch of pictures with a bunch of glamourous people? No...
It MEANS:
Meeting potential boyfriends/future husbands.
Meaning mi madre is nice enough to sit down with Ai-Ai and myself to talk about "KEEPING OUR BABATAAN."
C'mon, Mom. This isn't Prom we're talking about here. I'm not gonna go off and do something stupid.
I still think boys are icky and confusing....
I don't even want to think about having a relationship.
Look at my grades, yo. They're already SPIRALING. I don't need another factor pulling me downward. (HA HA HA HA HA)
But
I guess what I'm really trying to say is that I don't need my parents
to repeat themselves OVER and OVER and OVER, even if it is for my own
good. They've taught me how to deal with life, so I know I can be sensible and smart about relationships.
Okay, whatever.
As Design would say, I'll just go with "Whatever float's God's boat." :]
I need to get back to studying and whatnot.Gotta keep up my GRADES and stay in TOP TEN PERCENT.
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| Stress.
There's just too much of it.
Who'd have thought that it'd be the single word that sums up that which I call my life?
And what of life? sarcastically: Life is great, life is grand, life is fantasmigorical.
...but I'll get back to you on the details.
I've had the same nightmarish dream lately.
I'm all alone in the dark.
Waiting. Just waiting.
Suddenly I'm running as if I'm being chased by some horrible monster.
There's a strong sense of dread and fear filling me up.
In the end, there's always a light and the warm, comforting voices of people I know and love.
I never quite seem to reach the voices.
Why? Because my body's paralyzed, that's why.
It's like my soul is detached from my physical being. It's scary and frightening and weird.
I can't even feel myself breathe sometimes.
I can see myself moving, I just can't feel it.
I can see myself moving, I just can't hear it.
What frightens me most, though, is that it ISN'T a dream | | |
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